In honor of Harry Potter's (and J.K. Rowling's) birthday today:
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
"My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee"
I'm feeling reflective today.
My second year at BYU was a very interesting year. I learned a ton! That was the year I officially started my major and my two minors. That was the year that I decided I wouldn't be invisible to the people in my ward. That was the year I began being a peer mentor for Freshman Academy (now Freshman Mentoring). That was a year that started off with a CES (Church Educational System) Devotional with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and got another dose of him with a second CES Devotional just three and a half months later.
The first talk was "Lessons From Liberty Jail" (you can read the text or get access to the video here). Elder Holland went through the lessons Joseph Smith learned while unjustly imprisoned in Liberty Jail in 1838-9. He made the comparison of the prison changing from just being a place of incarceration to becoming a prison-temple experience. As Cody and I are reading the Sunday School lesson for this week, "O God, Where Art Thou?" it got me thinking about this talk. New insight has come as I read through the first 40 or so verses in section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants. It has also turned my thoughts towards the 2008-2009 school year.
Little did I know on September 7, 2008 when this talk was given the impact that this devotional would have on me. Not just the words and testimony that Elder Holland shared, but especially the closing song. I'm not sure who actually performed in it (BYU combined choir, UVU choir, YSA stake choir?), but I loved it when I first heard it, and I loved it even more when I heard it again five months later on February 28, 2009, coming back from the temple with my friend Tara. It had been a rough week for me. I had made some decisions that were pretty ginormous and my heart was sore about them, even though I knew the wisdom of making those decisions would be revealed to me in time. Tara had this song on a CD and turned it on:
I can't even tell you how much this song helped buoy my spirit. She made a copy of this song for me and I listened to it over and over and over for the next year (it was even my motivating song as I hiked the Y on my birthday that year--my birthday present to myself).
So that song has been humming around in my mind the past 12 hours since Cody and I read our scriptures together last night. This song also brings to mind some of the scriptures that inspired this song--the parts that don't come from D&C sections 121 & 122--they are from Isaiah 54: 7-10, and it is actually in these verses where you can find the title for this hymn.
However, this isn't the only talk where Elder Holland helped me out in 2009. He gave another CES Devotional Talk on January 13, 2009, "Remember Lot's Wife." I remember writing copious notes and feeling like he was speaking to me that cold, January Sabbath. But then, again, I forgot about the talk as the months went on, as I found comfort in other talks and scripture. But then Christmas 2009 rolled around.
My memory for dates can sometimes come back to me as a curse and it was doing so that December. Dates and memories were assaulting my mind, dragging me back to questioning some of my decisions of the previous February, having me question some of the things that I knew were true about why I was still in Utah. Late nights in Michigan that Christmas involved me searching online for relief and comfort to my soul. And that's when I stumbled across this talk again.
I remembered again that I should put my faith in my Savior and stop wondering: "Is there any future for me? What does a new year or a new semester or a new major or a new romance hold for me? Will I be safe? Will life be sound? Can I trust in the Lord and in the future? Or would it be better to look back, to go back, to go home?" (from "Remember Lot's Wife") and instead take hold of Elder Holland's invitation to "'Remember Lot's Wife.' Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come.'"
These two incidents helped put focus into my life--through the words of a song, and the words of an Apostle--I put my trust in Heavenly Father that He would lead me, guide me, and that He was walking beside me.
Monday, July 29, 2013
An insight into my adolesence
Looking back, I would say that I had a really easy time of being a teenager. My sister and I figured out how to be friends (after I decided to stop getting mad at her for taking my second lunch; yes, I really did take two lunches to school, at least during cross country season), I got along great with my parents, my brothers were cute and young, I always had a job, I had friends at school and church and work, I was trusted by my teachers and employers, and I pretty much thought I had my life figured out. I didn't get involved in any self-destructive behavior. I read a lot. I worked a lot. And I liked boys, a lot.
Yet, even with knowing all of this, I also know that I sometimes had a really hard time as a teenager. Not because my life was overwhelming, or the odds were never in my favor, or because people were mean to me. No, my life felt hard because I had a problem with loneliness. I'm not sure what the root of it was, but there were nights when I would think about how all the guys I liked would never like me and how I would be miserable forever. I guess I just was a glutton for unrequited "love."
The reason I got to thinking about this was that as I was looking through my revision exercise (that I mentioned last time), and deleting about 10 pages of ridiculous dialogue and plot, I came across this gem which will also be deleted. I am soooo sorry for the horrible writing; I wrote this when I was 14. Also, I've put in dashes where there were names, so don't get tripped up by that.
I actually have a distinct memory of writing this part--on one of those lonely nights when I had been hoping my mom would come in. Well, she didn't come in that night, so I turned on my computer, and typed that scene. It was self-therapy. I was calmed down enough that I could go to sleep. The next day, I was completely fine and didn't say anything to anyone. Another time when I was lonely and crying, my mom did come in. The next day I was completely fine and we didn't say anything to anyone.
I wasn't depressed or anything in high school. But I think sometimes we forget how emotional it is as a teenager (and I didn't even want to be emotional when I was a teenager). I'm so glad I'll only be a teenager once.
NOTE: Mom--don't feel bad about this if you read this. You're a great mom. I needed to learn to grow up. Maybe I also needed to find this piece of teenager in my "monster" and reflect on how great my life was as an adolescent compared to how it felt like sometimes. Thanks for always being there when I had concerns and gathered up enough courage to voice them. You read my mind a lot more than you didn't when I was worried about something. You're the best mom for me!
Yet, even with knowing all of this, I also know that I sometimes had a really hard time as a teenager. Not because my life was overwhelming, or the odds were never in my favor, or because people were mean to me. No, my life felt hard because I had a problem with loneliness. I'm not sure what the root of it was, but there were nights when I would think about how all the guys I liked would never like me and how I would be miserable forever. I guess I just was a glutton for unrequited "love."
The reason I got to thinking about this was that as I was looking through my revision exercise (that I mentioned last time), and deleting about 10 pages of ridiculous dialogue and plot, I came across this gem which will also be deleted. I am soooo sorry for the horrible writing; I wrote this when I was 14. Also, I've put in dashes where there were names, so don't get tripped up by that.
"In
the midst of her sobbing she began speaking aloud very softly to herself, “Why
are you crying...I thought you
were done…Oh goodness I just want someone to hold me, like when ------ just held
me…please, someone just hold me…but not -------…not him…” her desire
overcame her and she began sobbing again; her coughing worsened. “Mom…Mommy, please come and give me a hug. You could always make it better…cough cough
cough…please! I just want someone
to hold me…” in her mind a picture of ----flashed. She recoiled from the image...
“No…no…not him. Someone who thinks that I am special and will
love me for who I am…why is love so complicated! I just want someone to love me and me love
them in return…” she continued to sob.
Slowly
her sobs died away with only an occasional cough. The last thought ------- had before giving away to sleep was, “I just want to love a man…a good man…and
for him to hold me and make it all better…”She managed to fall into a fitful
sleep. The blanket her mother had
brought in that her grandmother had made was scrunched up all around -------,
almost as if she were clinging to anything familiar to save herself
from slipping away into the nightmare that had been her life of late."
I wasn't depressed or anything in high school. But I think sometimes we forget how emotional it is as a teenager (and I didn't even want to be emotional when I was a teenager). I'm so glad I'll only be a teenager once.
NOTE: Mom--don't feel bad about this if you read this. You're a great mom. I needed to learn to grow up. Maybe I also needed to find this piece of teenager in my "monster" and reflect on how great my life was as an adolescent compared to how it felt like sometimes. Thanks for always being there when I had concerns and gathered up enough courage to voice them. You read my mind a lot more than you didn't when I was worried about something. You're the best mom for me!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Junk. Trash. Garbage.
Why did I write it to begin with?
(my reigning thought right now)
After working on French Club lessons for the majority of the day, I finished (yay!) and decided I would look into the questionable, mocking folder, "the monster." I gave a background story on this folder about two years ago and then an update on its progress about a year ago.
Why on Earth did I take a look at it? It was hibernating nicely. But now I get to be racked with self-mocking laughs and thoughts of "What persuaded me to write this?!"
The reason why I'm so critical of my story aka "the monster"? I'm now looking at prose that I wrote nearly ten years ago. It hasn't been touched in ten years. It is awkward and flowery and unreal and hilarious! I just read through what I wrote, highlight, and press delete (for those of you worried that these first versions are being lost forever, do not fear I have a folder entitled "old monster" where all of my original drafts from ten years ago are safely lodged).
Screen shot of the folder where my "monster" resides |
I've just deleted about six pages of this junk that I wrote. Even though I was somewhat hopeful a year ago that I could someday whip this story into good enough shape to get it published, I think that it's more of a revision exercise for me. I look at it every year or two, practice how I can revise, and then don't look at it again.
So I guess what the bottom line of this rant on my poor manuscript is, is that I don't know if I have enough creative, good ideas in my head now, to change the flowery, unreal garbage I wrote ten years ago. I mean, the characters are still living in a castle in what I was deleting today. I haven't had a castle figure in my mind since ten years ago. Ten years ago I made the switch from "Let's pretend you can write fantasy" to "You're really a much better realistic fiction writer than a fantasy writer." And here I am, weeding out castles and kings and queens from this realistic fiction story. It is soooo painful. I don't know if I can keep doing it.
But knowing me, I probably will. It is my revision exercise after all.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Adventures with Meg
I guess the real adventure started on Friday when Cody and I returned from his Washington Seminar briefing at CAP (Center for American Progress) and decided that we wouldn't leave our apartment for the rest of the night since it was stinkin' hot and crazy humid and we would be out all day on Saturday visiting places. Several times that evening as I sat on the couch and thought, "I'm sort of...bored," and then voiced that opinion, Cody would remind me that we would be out all day on Saturday getting hot and humid and shouldn't we enjoy the AC like we planned on doing?
We enjoyed the AC. We (okay, probably just I) didn't enjoy as much being stuck up in our apartment on Friday night.
However, we made up for it by like 100 times on Saturday. Our day started around 9am when Meg Barber, one of Cody's best friends from BYU, showed up at the Barlow Center with her backpack to be stored in our apartment while we wandered around DC all day.
Stop One: The White House. We first walked by the back of it, but Meg wanted a picture of the more famous front, so to the front we walked. Cody actually hadn't walked to the front either, so it was a new experience for him, as well. We couldn't get as close as one usually can because the road was blocked off for-who-knows-why (the only thing I could see was that the sprinklers were on), so we trudged a little bit further, walked across the grass and got a really far off picture of the front of the White House.
Stop Two: The Capitol Building. We didn't take a tour, but we did walk all the way up the Mall to get to the Capitol. We were pretty tired and hot by the time we got to the building; however, we were able to get some pictures taken.
Stop Three: Library of Congress. This wasn't on Meg's original list of things to see in DC but since it was right behind the Capitol and right next to the Supreme Court Building (both of which were on her list), we stopped and explored. I was able to share some of the knowledge I had gleaned during my tour a month ago. Cody and Meg ended up liking the LOC a lot more than they thought they would. Score for me for suggesting it.
Stop Four: Supreme Court. They are doing construction on the facade so it has a large photo of the Supreme Court building on a big piece of cloth. It was also closed, so no-go on going inside.
Stop Five: We the Pizza. This was Cody and my second visit to this delightful restaurant, and Meg's first visit. We each got the lunch special of two slices of pizza and a home-made soda. Meg loved her soda; she even went so far as to say it was her favorite part about the restaurant and that for forever all sodas will be falling short of the We the Pizza standard.
Stop Six: American History Museum. We wandered around more this time than last time when Cody and I crashed on a bench, though I did use some of the time that they were looking at the Philadelphia exhibit (which I'd already seen) to read Jane Eyre. After going through and looking at everything, Cody and I came to the same conclusion that we are rather disappointed with the American History museum in that it doesn't really have a ton of stuff there, like some of the other places we've or I've gone to visit.
Stop Seven: Barlow Center. We came back, took off our shoes, sat down, drank water, and rested. It was a great idea.
Stop Eight: Bobby's Burger Palace. We were really looking forward to getting milkshakes here again, but I guess they'd just run out of milkshake ingredients. While the burgers were delicious, we missed out on not getting a milkshake.
Stop Nine: Lincoln Memorial. This was my first time on this trip actually going up and looking around in the memorial. There were sprinklers going on in the front at the base of the stairs that anyone could enjoy; Meg took part in that novelty.
Stop Ten: MLK Jr. Memorial & FDR Memorial & looking across the tidal basin at the Jefferson Memorial: Since all of these memorials are on the circumference of the tidal basin, we were able to walk through the MLK and FDR memorials, but the Jefferson memorial was too far away for us to get to and get back on time for Meg to catch her bus. We took some pictures, enjoyed the serenity of one of my favorite places in DC, and then walked back.
It was a really fun, action-packed, touristy day. We loved spending time with Meg, even and especially because of her excitement, stories, and wassal-ing.
We enjoyed the AC. We (okay, probably just I) didn't enjoy as much being stuck up in our apartment on Friday night.
However, we made up for it by like 100 times on Saturday. Our day started around 9am when Meg Barber, one of Cody's best friends from BYU, showed up at the Barlow Center with her backpack to be stored in our apartment while we wandered around DC all day.
Stop One: The White House. We first walked by the back of it, but Meg wanted a picture of the more famous front, so to the front we walked. Cody actually hadn't walked to the front either, so it was a new experience for him, as well. We couldn't get as close as one usually can because the road was blocked off for-who-knows-why (the only thing I could see was that the sprinklers were on), so we trudged a little bit further, walked across the grass and got a really far off picture of the front of the White House.
Meg and the White House from a long ways away |
Cody, me, and Meg with the Capitol in the back |
Meg and I standing outside the LOC |
Stop Three: Library of Congress. This wasn't on Meg's original list of things to see in DC but since it was right behind the Capitol and right next to the Supreme Court Building (both of which were on her list), we stopped and explored. I was able to share some of the knowledge I had gleaned during my tour a month ago. Cody and Meg ended up liking the LOC a lot more than they thought they would. Score for me for suggesting it.
Me and Meg with the LOC in the background |
Supreme Court buildling |
Stop Five: We the Pizza. This was Cody and my second visit to this delightful restaurant, and Meg's first visit. We each got the lunch special of two slices of pizza and a home-made soda. Meg loved her soda; she even went so far as to say it was her favorite part about the restaurant and that for forever all sodas will be falling short of the We the Pizza standard.
Cody and me eating at We the Pizza |
Stop Six: American History Museum. We wandered around more this time than last time when Cody and I crashed on a bench, though I did use some of the time that they were looking at the Philadelphia exhibit (which I'd already seen) to read Jane Eyre. After going through and looking at everything, Cody and I came to the same conclusion that we are rather disappointed with the American History museum in that it doesn't really have a ton of stuff there, like some of the other places we've or I've gone to visit.
Stop Seven: Barlow Center. We came back, took off our shoes, sat down, drank water, and rested. It was a great idea.
Stop Eight: Bobby's Burger Palace. We were really looking forward to getting milkshakes here again, but I guess they'd just run out of milkshake ingredients. While the burgers were delicious, we missed out on not getting a milkshake.
Stop Nine: Lincoln Memorial. This was my first time on this trip actually going up and looking around in the memorial. There were sprinklers going on in the front at the base of the stairs that anyone could enjoy; Meg took part in that novelty.
Meg playing in the sprinklers |
Cody, me, and Meg by the tidal basin at the end of our long, fun day |
Meg "wassal-ing" like Bilbo in The Hobbit |
Monday, July 22, 2013
A lot of thoughts about Jane Eyre
I have spent the last week thinking constantly about Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, since I have reread it for the 8th or 9th time, I believe. Since I wrote some blog posts on Villette when I read it for the first time three years ago, I thought it was time that I wrote a post about Jane Eyre.
The first time I read this novel I was in eighth grade and thought it one of the most romantic and exemplary books I'd ever read--even more so than Pride and Prejudice that I had read a year earlier.
I bought Jane Eyre on a whim at the school's book fair--it was only five dollars, I liked the cover, it promised romance on the back, and it was fairly thick. As I began reading I was instantly pulled in by Jane's voice--or Charlotte Bronte's voice, is how I view it now after having read all her works--and by the familiarity of feeling that seemed to swell in me as I read about how she fought her emotions as a child between being good and wanting justice, how she dealt with the loss of a friend, and how even as she worked she yearned to be more a part of the world. Then I met Mr. Rochester. And then I really met Jane.
The way I tried to explain it to Cody was that just like he and I are perfect matches for each other--based on past experiences, mutual interests, learning from each other, etc.--for the character Jane, Mr. Rochester is her perfect match. The blossoming of that realization is very apparent in the novel, though I think, harder to show in a movie since most of the realizing happens in Jane's head. Also, near the end of the book there is a quote that says, "I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth...I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine." Even though most of the time, Mr. Rochester seems to be a crantankerous man, he loves Jane and Jane loves him.
I do have my problems with Mr. Rochester's character, but guess what? He isn't my match. He's Jane's, and it's wonderful seeing how they complete each other. My real problem with Mr. Rochester is how he is portrayed in the movies. But I'll get to that later.
Well, she was. But she didn't discover her strength, her core, until 300+ pages into it. Mr. Rochester seems to see it in her before she does (during the gypsy scene, "that brow professes to say--'I can live along, if self-respect and circumstances require me to do so. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.' The forehead declares, 'Reason sits firm and holds the reins, and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild chasms. The passions may rage furiously, like true heathens, as they are; and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things: but judgements shall still have the last word in every argument, and the casting vote in every decision. Strong wind, earthquake-shock, and fire may pass by: but I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscious.'") Since it was my first reading of the novel, I didn't see this foreshadowing.
It wasn't until the critical moment of the plot, when all is in turmoil, and Jane is in agony and doesn't know what to do, when she thinks, "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad--as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent they are; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth--so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane--quite insane, with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations are all I have at this hour to stand by; there I plant my foot."
Oh my heart stopped when I read this! This is what I think and feel! This is how I want to be! my 14-year-old self thought. I wanted to be strong against temptation. I wanted to know that it was okay to step out of the flow of what is "normal" and "accepted," to stand alone and to be okay with myself for doing that. If Jane could do it--and by extension, Charlotte Bronte, because I am certain she had to do so as I've studied her life--then I could, too.
I've often thought of this quote as I've gone through hard times, especially a few years ago when I had to make some tough decisions and stick by them. It was extremely difficult. It wasn't what I had expected. However, though I didn't feel exactly like Jane in that no one was trying to outwardly force me to do the opposite of what I had decided, the other half of my nature was wanting me to do it. I wanted to do what I had decided I wouldn't do. But I could think about how I knew what I was doing was right and then I would have more strength to do it. Also, it was just a good quote to keep floating around my head during dating and being engaged--"Laws and principles have a worth! They have a worth!" I would inwardly say to myself when temptation could have arisen. As a result, I never felt like I got close to anything I didn't want to get close to.
Back to the plot: After this point in the novel, we see the foil of the Thornfield Hall episode in the shape of the Rivers' home. I rather like the contrast and have never found this point in the book particularly boring, especially because it shows that Jane can stick by what she said she would do and that she won't give in purely to reason; she still has feelings and knows that she needs to satisfy reason and desires in order to have true happiness.
Needless to say, I love Jane. I love Jane because she grows up in this novel (not like in Pride and Prejudice, which I also love, but Elizabeth is 21 pretty much the entire novel) and you get to see how she changes and figures herself out. I love Jane because she has integrity. I love Jane because she knows how to balance logic and reason, and emotions and feelings.
Now for my critiques of the movies. I have seen the 1983, 1995, 2006, and 2011 versions of Jane Eyre. While I think the chemistry between Jane and Mr. Rochester is best in the 2006 version, I think that Jane's passionate integrity comes out best the 2011 version. I do like that the 1983 version includes more lines from the actual book, and includes a more faithful rendition of Lowood than the other three. The 1983 version is also the most complete movie (probably because it is a miniseries) in having events that are in the book but that are usually omitted from the other movies (i.e. the gypsy scene, when Jane lost her parcel and went begging, a true rendition of how Jane gets her inheritance, Rosamond Oliver, the several times that St. John proposes, how Rochester ends up at a separate house at the end, and that Rochester's hand was amputated not just that he went blind). I also think that Jane's character was developed very well in the 1983 version in that she doesn't seem like an abnormally quiet person all the time; she can and does laugh and her bluntness seems more in character in this version.
However, the acting is a little forceful in the first several episodes of the 1983 version, the typhus episode is actually talked about (unlike in the other three) but Helen Burns death and her parting, inspiring, life-changing, faith-building words are not included. The made a few, though not memorable (unless you have just read the book like I have), changes towards the end, but overall, they did a remarkably good job with this version, except for the kid actors in the first couple episodes.
The 1995 version completely changes events for the last half of the movie--St. John apparently is Mrs. Reed's parson at Gateshead, the house burns down the moment Jane leaves, since Mr. Eyre "never believed Jane to have died" and still left her his fortune--how on Earth did Mr. Mason find out about the wedding?, when Jane returns it is to Thornfield Hall, not Ferndean Hall. I was just very unimpressed with the ending of this movie (and some events at the beginning at Lowood--Jane's hair did not get cut off, neither does Helen's; Ms Temple is supposed to be the superintendent, not Ms. Miller; and Jane didn't stay on the stool all day, only a half hour).
The 2006 version I haven't seen in four years so I can't say much about it except that there is one scene in particular when Jane is leaving Rochester that I think the director wanted to put in a little more firey-ness than actually is found in the book. But whatever, that's his license. Also, I don't think that Mr. Rochester was ugly enough; he was rather nice looking in this version. Until I saw the 2011 version, this one was my favorite.
The 2011 version is one of my favorite versions because it gives more of the full picture, without being a mini-series like the 1983 version. While Jane's passionate integrity comes out more in this movie, I feel like the build up of her and Rochester's relationship isn't as strong as it is in the book. I also think Rochester is too handsome in this movie. Overall, this is my favorite version for a shortened 2 hour movie adaptation.
The first time I read this novel I was in eighth grade and thought it one of the most romantic and exemplary books I'd ever read--even more so than Pride and Prejudice that I had read a year earlier.
I bought Jane Eyre on a whim at the school's book fair--it was only five dollars, I liked the cover, it promised romance on the back, and it was fairly thick. As I began reading I was instantly pulled in by Jane's voice--or Charlotte Bronte's voice, is how I view it now after having read all her works--and by the familiarity of feeling that seemed to swell in me as I read about how she fought her emotions as a child between being good and wanting justice, how she dealt with the loss of a friend, and how even as she worked she yearned to be more a part of the world. Then I met Mr. Rochester. And then I really met Jane.
Mr. Rochester
It seems like Mr. Rochester is an enigma to many men (my husband included) who only see the movies of Jane Eyre. In the movies he seems to be very changing, sometimes violent, kind of a creeper, mean (trying to force jealousy), a liar, manipulative, and not really in love with Jane--perhaps in infatuation, but not love. So why on Earth does he seem to be a man of romance to so many women?The way I tried to explain it to Cody was that just like he and I are perfect matches for each other--based on past experiences, mutual interests, learning from each other, etc.--for the character Jane, Mr. Rochester is her perfect match. The blossoming of that realization is very apparent in the novel, though I think, harder to show in a movie since most of the realizing happens in Jane's head. Also, near the end of the book there is a quote that says, "I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth...I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine." Even though most of the time, Mr. Rochester seems to be a crantankerous man, he loves Jane and Jane loves him.
I do have my problems with Mr. Rochester's character, but guess what? He isn't my match. He's Jane's, and it's wonderful seeing how they complete each other. My real problem with Mr. Rochester is how he is portrayed in the movies. But I'll get to that later.
The Real Jane
What did I mean when I said that during my first reading of Jane Eyre I went through her childhood and early working time and meeting Mr. Rochester, and then that's when I really met Jane? Hadn't I been reading about her for the first 300+ pages? Why wasn't she real before then? Well, she was. But she didn't discover her strength, her core, until 300+ pages into it. Mr. Rochester seems to see it in her before she does (during the gypsy scene, "that brow professes to say--'I can live along, if self-respect and circumstances require me to do so. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.' The forehead declares, 'Reason sits firm and holds the reins, and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild chasms. The passions may rage furiously, like true heathens, as they are; and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things: but judgements shall still have the last word in every argument, and the casting vote in every decision. Strong wind, earthquake-shock, and fire may pass by: but I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscious.'") Since it was my first reading of the novel, I didn't see this foreshadowing.
It wasn't until the critical moment of the plot, when all is in turmoil, and Jane is in agony and doesn't know what to do, when she thinks, "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad--as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent they are; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth--so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane--quite insane, with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations are all I have at this hour to stand by; there I plant my foot."
Oh my heart stopped when I read this! This is what I think and feel! This is how I want to be! my 14-year-old self thought. I wanted to be strong against temptation. I wanted to know that it was okay to step out of the flow of what is "normal" and "accepted," to stand alone and to be okay with myself for doing that. If Jane could do it--and by extension, Charlotte Bronte, because I am certain she had to do so as I've studied her life--then I could, too.
I've often thought of this quote as I've gone through hard times, especially a few years ago when I had to make some tough decisions and stick by them. It was extremely difficult. It wasn't what I had expected. However, though I didn't feel exactly like Jane in that no one was trying to outwardly force me to do the opposite of what I had decided, the other half of my nature was wanting me to do it. I wanted to do what I had decided I wouldn't do. But I could think about how I knew what I was doing was right and then I would have more strength to do it. Also, it was just a good quote to keep floating around my head during dating and being engaged--"Laws and principles have a worth! They have a worth!" I would inwardly say to myself when temptation could have arisen. As a result, I never felt like I got close to anything I didn't want to get close to.
Back to the plot: After this point in the novel, we see the foil of the Thornfield Hall episode in the shape of the Rivers' home. I rather like the contrast and have never found this point in the book particularly boring, especially because it shows that Jane can stick by what she said she would do and that she won't give in purely to reason; she still has feelings and knows that she needs to satisfy reason and desires in order to have true happiness.
Needless to say, I love Jane. I love Jane because she grows up in this novel (not like in Pride and Prejudice, which I also love, but Elizabeth is 21 pretty much the entire novel) and you get to see how she changes and figures herself out. I love Jane because she has integrity. I love Jane because she knows how to balance logic and reason, and emotions and feelings.
The Movies
(MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT: I'm not tiptoeing around any plot developments here)1983 version |
However, the acting is a little forceful in the first several episodes of the 1983 version, the typhus episode is actually talked about (unlike in the other three) but Helen Burns death and her parting, inspiring, life-changing, faith-building words are not included. The made a few, though not memorable (unless you have just read the book like I have), changes towards the end, but overall, they did a remarkably good job with this version, except for the kid actors in the first couple episodes.
1995 version |
2006 version |
2011 version |
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Botany, Art, and Native Americans
This week my big adventures have included visiting the Botanic Garden and Conservatory, the Hirshhorn Gallery, and the Museum of the American Indian. On Monday when I visited the Botanic Garden, it was also the day that the famous titan arum was starting to bloom, and apparently, it is still blooming, four days later. However momentous an occasion, I'm really grateful I didn't have to walk around the conservatory with the aroma of onions and rotting flesh. It was interesting as I walked through the Conservatory to feel the different temperatures and levels of humidity as I went from one simulated area of the world to another.
After spending some time inside the Conservatory, I made my way outside to the Regional Garden. At the Botanic Garden they pride themselves on their use of natural methods of fertilization and getting rid of pests, rather than using chemicals and pesticides. They try to make it very plain that you can garden and have a beautiful garden, without having to use chemicals that harm the environment.
This piece made me laugh! I love that Venus is trying to find some clothes to put on! And isn't that what every laundry room looks like? I think it's a great take on a "classic" piece.
I think I just have this thing with color. There was an exhibit called "There and Back" that I took four photos of because it shows the progression of one color to another. However, with this piece, I love the vibrancy of the colors, the rigidity of the lines, the way it seems 2-D and 3-D simultaneously, and the different lengths of the color bands. I just really enjoyed this piece, besides the fact that it is HUGE--it fills an entire wall.
Another example of my crazy love for blue. It looks sooooo much lovelier in real life. The contrast between the blues is more subtle. I just love blue.
This was an fascinating piece to look at. It looks kind of crazy in a photograph, but in real life it is actually more crazy. It seems like there is very vivid underpainting of color--the greens, blues, oranges--and then this thicker, almost still liquid looking overpainting of the reds, darker orange, black and brown. And then over that there is still another layer of blackish-white and redish-orange specks. The brush strokes are very deliberate and thought out--except at the far right where the artist is able to make it look like the paint is dissolving into nothing. It is sooo cool! I really, really enjoyed looking at this painting.
This is apparently the world's largest canine. What I couldn't get a picture of was of my hands-down favorite piece in the entire gallery. It's also by Peter Coffin in the Here & There exhibit. It is called Untitled and it is an animated projection on paintings from the Hirshhorn collection. In the handout I got it reads, "Where does the brain 'ping' when looking at art? Sound, music, and superimpositions 'animate' works in the collection, encouraging new ways to consider them." I loved this work! There were 11 or 12 framed canvas paintings hanging on the wall in a darkened room. There was a projector aimed at each wall/painting that would superimpose images onto these paintings, with music and noises to accompany it. It was done masterfully with colors seeming to jump up out of their place on the painting and move about the canvas and onto the wall, or to have a shape painting have the colors and shapes react in response to a classical piece of music playing. It was engaging, surprising, and insightful. I wish I could somehow share it with all of you, but I can't.
My next visit was to the Museum of the American Indian. I first viewed a film on the fourth floor that talked about and showed the relationship that Native Americans have with the Earth and how it is a part of their culture, livelihood, and art. I walked through some of the exhibits and finished off by eating in the cafeteria.
In the Jungle area of the Conservatory |
In the walkway from the Jungle to the Southern landscapes part of the Conservatory |
Tradescantia pallida, "Purple Heart", spiderwort; found in the Southern Landscapes area of the Conservatory |
An orchid; found in the endangered-orchids part of the Conservatory |
Close up of one orchid |
The Hawaii section of the Conservatory |
One of my personal favorites--in the Ancient Plants section--I love the dinosaur! |
Flower Fountain outside the Conservatory, going into the Regional Garden area |
Giant dragonfly |
A nice swampy area |
American White Water-Lily |
Later in the week, after doing research on Tuesday and Wednesday, I was able to venture forth again. This time I visited the Hirshhorn Gallery--not just the garden this time--and was able to see some more of the modern art in DC.
Venus of the Rags, Michelangelo Pistoletto, Italian, 1967 |
Wall Drawing #1113: On a wall, a triangle within a rectangle, each with broken bands of color, Sol LeWitt, American, 2003, acrylic |
1950-M No.1, Clifford Still, American, 1950 |
Sanctuary, Gerhard Richter, German, 1988, oil on linen |
Untitled (Dog), Peter Coffin, American 2012, Mixed Media |
My next visit was to the Museum of the American Indian. I first viewed a film on the fourth floor that talked about and showed the relationship that Native Americans have with the Earth and how it is a part of their culture, livelihood, and art. I walked through some of the exhibits and finished off by eating in the cafeteria.
Sculpture in one of the alcoves in the Museum of the American Indian |
Navajo taco |
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Friday Night Date
On Friday night, Cody and I went on a date to the National Portrait Gallery, and then afterword we had pizza at a new restaurant, Ella's, and concluded by watching True Grit back at our apartment.
This was the first art museum that I've been to with Cody since we've been in DC, all the rest I've visited on my own. It was really nice having a companion as we wandered through the museum. We didn't take any pictures of the Civil War area or of the portraits of the presidents (though some of my personal favorites were President Clinton's, the one of President Kennedy done by de Kooning, and the unfinished portrait of George Washington by Gilbert Stuart), but we did take some pictures on the top floor of some of the 20th century pieces.
This was the first art museum that I've been to with Cody since we've been in DC, all the rest I've visited on my own. It was really nice having a companion as we wandered through the museum. We didn't take any pictures of the Civil War area or of the portraits of the presidents (though some of my personal favorites were President Clinton's, the one of President Kennedy done by de Kooning, and the unfinished portrait of George Washington by Gilbert Stuart), but we did take some pictures on the top floor of some of the 20th century pieces.
License plates from every state writing out the Preamble to the Constitution |
A huge driftwood horse and me |
Don't remember what this is called, but I really liked it |
My Quattro Fromagi pizza |
Cody's four meat calzone |
Monday, July 15, 2013
Gettysburg outing
On Saturday, the interns here in the Washington Seminar group got to go on another outing, this time to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania (note: pronunciation is like get-iss-berg; it's a soft "s" and a short "i" sound; Wikipedia has a nice pronunciation you can listen to). We first went to the Visitor's Center to view the movie and cyclorama--really cool! It is one painting, completed in less than a year, that was designed so that when you stand in the center of this 360* painting, it's like you're looking out at the battlefield and surrounding area. We also had two hours to walk through the museum on the Gettysburg battle that is housed at the visitor's center.
After eating our fill at the General Pickett's all-you-can-eat buffet, we went on a bus tour of the Gettysburg battlegrounds. It is really huge and it was neat to be able to go through all of it in a matter of hours, with a competent tour guide giving us info about the battle on the way.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Finished the NGA & visited the Natural History Museum
I've done it! I finished exploring the National Gallery of Art! I took more pictures than I'm posting but I'll be using them for school projects, not to talk about, so here goes my last post about the NGA:
I loved the way the paint was applied in this painting. It reminded me a lot of Minerva Teichert's art. I liked the contrast between the muted colors in the background and the thicker paint and brighter colors in the foreground, especially the front right corner.
The thing that impressed me the most about this painting was the movement of the dancers and the loose interaction between the paint and the black lines outlining the girls. In the audio tour, the curator suggests that Degas painted this almost like stop-action photography--that this is really just one dancer adjusting her strap and getting ready to dance.
Thoughts on the Natural History Museum:
These next few photos remind me of when I was given a chrysalis in September 2009 and given instructions on how to care for it until it became a butterfly. I named my butterfly Yo Yo, in honor of Yo Yo Ma and his piece Butterfly's Day Out, which is my favorite song. It was a Painted Lady butterfly and I was so excited that I hadn't killed it. The first picture is of my Yo Yo. The rest are from the live butterfly exhibit.
Pandora, Odilon Redon, 1910/1912 |
Four Dancers, Edgar Degas, 1899 |
Thoughts on the Natural History Museum:
- It was fun, however, I don't know if I've ever wanted to have kids with me more at a museum than I did as I wandered through this museum. Kids would have a blast at this museum!
- Cool displays.
- Interactive features in every part--button pressing with video explanations, touching replicas, etc.
- Needed a ticket to go into the live butterfly exhibit, but it is free on Tuesday to get a ticket. Score!
Dinosaur & Ancient Life section |
Ocean life section |
Center atrium |
Mammals section |
7 September 2009, Yo Yo, my Painted Lady butterfly |
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