Missing and Not

I'm missing France and French today. I know I do a French Club every week at school, but it's different from learning it and being immersed in it. I hope that I'm helping my French Club students gain a love of French so that they'll want to take it in junior high and high school. But mostly it's so that I don't forget everything. And I've forgotten a lot of the more complicated things. One day I hope that I'll be able to take some more college level French courses.

                                         

I'm missing art. I really miss my ceramics and drawing classes I took at BYU.  Taking the time to create was something I loved and struggled with and loved all the more for that struggle. I checked out a watercolor book at the library yesterday with the half-formed plan of trying out watercolor again, especially when Cody's gone on his trips in the next few months.

I'm missing energy. I had a horrid migraine (or what I refer to as a migraine since the doctor obviously says it isn't unless it's diagnosed) last night.  I couldn't sleep for a few hours and I've been lacking in energy most of today.


I'm missing the love of teaching today. This is probably absent from my life today because 1) it was there yesterday, 2) I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I am sooo affected by the amount of sleep I get, and 3) it seems like a lot of the teachers are just as exhausted as I am at school lately and no one is doing the cheering up and rallying. If I had the energy I would try, but I've just been so stretched lately.

I'm missing my memory.  I've been having blank stretches in my memory, they only last for about a minute but there is no memory whatsoever in my mind of certain things in my life.  I'm sure it's just because I've been tired lately, but I really don't like forgetting things.

I'm not missing unwelcome memories. While I've been forgetting certain things, a lot of other memories have been crowding my brain and making it hard for me to sleep and focus.  Sometimes those memories are unimportant, like thinking about how one of my students moved around the classroom. Who cares? But it can play back and forth in my memory. Other memories are more potent and lead to comparisons and I wish they would stay in the back room so I could fully appreciate the present and find ways to make the best of where I'm at now, instead of wishing for more efficient days or more harmonious days or days when I felt more intellectually stretched.

I'm not missing having an unreliable car. It's been so wonderful having our Mazda 6 this winter.  I've never had to really wonder if the car would be able to make it anywhere. And while the Saturn lives on, it's so nice having a car that is comfortable, classy, and reliable.

I'm not missing homework assignments for a college grade.

I'm not missing single's ward drama, especially in February.

I'm not missing being unemployed.

I know life isn't always the ideal and I know it probably won't ever be exactly what I thought I wanted, but I will get lucky sometimes and get something better. Sometimes it'll be worse, but if I just do the things I can control--sleep, exercise, eating right, telling my husband I love him every day, talking with my family often, keeping my testimony strong, and paying tithing (BIG testimony builder moments with that one lately)--then I know I'll be blessed to be able to endure and make it through.