Loss

Several of my friends have experienced miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant death in the last year and it has broken my heart.  Especially with having Calvin with us now and the sadness we felt when we couldn't bring him home from the hospital right away, the idea of losing him now is unbearable.

A year ago I read, Pregnancy After a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death by Carol Cirulli Lanham.

found here

It brought me a lot of peace and reconciliation as I read about the conflicting emotions other women felt after a pregnancy loss--the deep sorrow that can't really be explained unless you've experienced it yourself, the fear of trying again because "what if it happens again?", the sense of disloyalty to the baby that you lost, the hope to try again because "what if it was a one time thing?", the need to try again to know that you aren't a failure.  It is okay to feel those emotions, just as long as you can get past them at some point, even if it means talking to a professional.

My heart goes out to some relatives who just lost their baby girl last night.  They knew it was going to happen because she was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, but still.  I can't even imagine their sorrow, even having experienced a loss myself, but I didn't carry a baby to almost full-term.  They did.  Thankfully, we and they have a knowledge of the innocence of children, and a belief in the plan of salvation.  They know that their daughter is theirs for eternity, even though they don't get to have her on Earth with them now.  She is still theirs.  What a beautiful, reassuring truth.

In the Ensign this past month, there was an article written very similar to their situation. You can read it here.

If you would like to donate any money to my relations, you can do so here.

The Christmas Spirit

I liked this video reminder of what Christmas is really about:

Sometimes I feel like the odd man out because I'm not a big gift giver.  The gifts I like to give are ones that I know will last because of their thoughtfulness--pictures, letters, memories, a hand-made blanket, a purse for the friend whose mom passed away years before, 12 Days of Christmas, etc.--or that are needed and practical--church shoes, candle warmer, etc.  I would rather spend time with someone or give them shoe laces, than give them a gift that they'll use and break, throw away, or shove in a back corner (kids are excepted from this--they break toys all the time, but they still "get" the magic of Christmas giving; every gift is--or should be--exciting because it's new).

I realized that this Christmas season. I was having a difficult time getting into the gift-giving mode of Christmas and I couldn't figure out why.  Well, it's because I couldn't figure out what people closest to me needed or needed. And while I probably am still giving out some perfunctory gifts that came from someone's wish list, at least it shows that I love them, because I do.

But...

I did get some great gifts for my parents and Cody.   My parents' gift is no secret. My sister and I are paying for family pictures, since the last ones we took were when I graduated from college and Cody and Westley weren't in our family yet.  We get to do that today (hopefully, if planes arrive on time...).  And Cody's gifts...I don't want to give away any surprises, but I know that he won't be surprised by the loving practicality of some of the gifts, since I gave him shoes for church last year. However, I do know that there is at least one gift that he will be surprised by.

Thorvaldsen Christus

I'd like to close this Christmas message with a quote that I always have displayed in my room:

"However dim our days may seem, they have been a lot darker for the Savior of the world.  As a reminder of those days, Jesus has chosen, even in a resurrected, otherwise perfected body, to retain for the benefit of His disciples the wounds in His hands and in His feet and in His side--signs, if you will, that painful things happen even tot he pure and the perfect; signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn't love you; signs, if you will, that problems pass and happiness can be ours."  --Jeffrey R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Three to four years in five minutes

After driving around in the snow this morning and discovering that the place (where I thought for sure I would find a small gift for Cody) didn't have it, I came home and began procrastination rituals.  What am I procrastinating?  Cleaning my house (because we didn't do that Saturday; instead we saw the Desolation of Smaug), grading, planning for school, class roles for Primary, working on Janeen's potatoes for dinner, and possibly making a buche de Noel (but I'm hoping to do that tonight with Cody).

During my successful procrastination, I listened to The Nutcracker, ate a banana and a candy sled, and made name tags for all the children in Primary.  Then I decided I would look up some information on the Internet which inevitably makes me sad. I thought maybe this time it wouldn't, but it did.  After trying to cheer myself by reading happy things and having that not work, I started wasting my life on Facebook. But this time it wasn't a waste.

I became sucked into looking at pictures and after five minutes I realized that I was looking at pictures from 3 1/2 years ago.  Man alive! I thought (and I'm not joking, I really thought that) I am so blessed and lucky to have had so many opportunities the past three to four years of my life.  So here is a photo tribute to the experiences, but more importantly, the people that helped make my life so much better these past three years.

October 2009: After a life-changing hike with Lori Lund (Miller, now) and Kasey Butler. I didn't realize that long-term effects that this hike would have on my life but I frequently think about the things we talked about and the lessons we learned on that hike.  I needed my friends at this hard time in my life and they were there for me.

December 2009: at Lindsey's Ugly Sweater Party. I wish I had a better copy of the lower picture, but I think it's lost to cyberspace. Lindsey has been my friend through thick and thin, close and far, writing and phone calls. 

December 2009: Doing "See no evil,  hear no evil, speak no evil" with Ben and Jacob.  My brothers probably don't realize how much they make my day brighter, but they do.  

April 2010: My first full day in France. Sometimes that doesn't even seem real.  I learned a lot about myself when I was there. It was a good soul-cleansing and goal fulfilling trip.

May 2010: I got to spend 6 weeks in France. WHAT!? How many people get to do that? 

October 2010: This was a great group of roommates. Funny to think that we're all (except Biva) married.  I love this picture because we actually look like we could be tall or average-height people. And we are so not.

February 2011: I loved working with these ladies at Freshman Academy/Mentoring, especially traveling to Atlanta, Georgia to present at the First-Year Experience Conference.

April 2011: My partner in crime, Amanda Leifson.  So so so glad that we went to DC as a graduation present to myself.

May 2011: Verdon & Amberlee Walker gave me hope that I would find someone to love and love me back.  Verdon was one of my best friends for two years and I'm so glad that he's pursing his goals with Amberlee at his side.

August 2011: Taking engagement pictures.  Cody has changed my life and brought more happiness and laughter into my life than I deserve, but that I need.  Crazy that it has been two years.

January 2012: Parents. What would I do without them?

June 2013: My nephew, Westley.  That child is the reason I've seen my sister and brother-in-law so much the past year and a half (just kidding, sort of...haha).  I love this kid so much!

Even though life is hard, so hard, sometimes, at least I have good people around me who love me and whom I love.  I don't feel like the most faith-filled person right now, but I know I'm being supported by the faith of those stronger than I am right now. Thank you.

and Merry Christmas!

Faith

Photo I took of the Provo Temple 15 Oct 2009

This last Sunday Cody and I were asked to give talks at a nursing home that is in our stake.  Unlike most talk requests that are extended, we weren't given a topic.  At first I thought that was a little unfair because I felt like I had too much on my plate and now I needed to think up a topic for a five minute talk I'd be giving to people I didn't know the next day.

After considering my life and what message I would like to hear, and then thinking about what is a topic that would be helpful for older people who have surrendered most of their independence to the inevitability of growing old--I decided to speak on faith.

I chose this quote from Elder D. Todd Christofferson from this month's visiting teaching message:

"Faith in Jesus Christ is the conviction and assurance of (1) His status as the Only Begotten Son of God, (s) His infinite Atonement, and (3) His literal Resurrection."

My next favorite source of information is the LDS Bible Dictionary. Under faith, I chose this snippet:

"The Lord has revealed Himself and His perfect character, possessing in their fulness all the attributes of love, knowledge, justice, mercy, unchangeableness, power, and every other needful thing, so as to enable the mind of man to place confidence in Him without reservation."

The bulk of my talk was used to tell the story of my great-great grandmother Betsy Scholes Morris and her faith.  Then I closed by sharing my favorite scripture, Doctrine and Covenants 123: 17:

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

The past few days as I've been thinking about that talk and Cody's talk which followed (it was basically on having faith in trials--a shortened version of his lesson the previous week in young men's), I've considered that opportunity a blessing far greater than I could have even imagined on Sunday.

There are many things that we can have faith in--people, events, promises. However, because we are mortal and make mistakes or the events and promises we make are all traced to a human, then those people, events, and promises can fail. However, because of what Christ did for us and does for us every single day, we can have perfect faith in Him.  We can trust Him to fulfill His promises and to carry us through tough times because He has been through it.

I think there is more to faith than I get and understand. Perhaps as I go through each part of my life I will learn another little aspect of faith that will one day make my understanding more complete. For now, I guess my faith in Jesus Christ is enough to know that trials will pass, mortality is allowed to happen but He is there waiting to help us, and that there are blessings being poured on us in the midst of difficulties and that are being kept in store for us for when we walk out of the darkness of our sorrow into the brightness of His love and light.

Gratitude

I feel like I'm always trying to find things for which to be grateful.  I know November is a natural time for Americans to think about gratitude because of Thanksgiving. I'm sure that other months are months of "Thanksgiving" in other cultures.

Here's a short list. I hope to add some longer posts about specific things that I am grateful for in the coming weeks:

1. the Gospel of Jesus Christ
2. my husband, Cody
3. the restored church of Jesus Christ (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)
4. family
5. prophets, seers, and revelators today
6. books
7. library cards
8. chocolate
9. friends
10. letters
11. my mom and dad, specifically
12. Lindsey, specifically
13. carpools
14. airplanes
15. cameras
16. notebooks and pens
17. literacy
18. music
19. patient people
20. knowledge
21. Shakespeare
22. Dr. Seuss
23. Yo Yo Ma
24. blue things
25. warm blankets
26. colors
27. food
28. being able to cook
29. running water
30. indoor plumbing
31. indoor heating and cooling
32. a car
33. my job
34. Cody's job
35. that I live in the United States 
36. that I grew up in middle-class America so that I'm blessed with opportunities beyond many in the world
37. our local and national leaders
38. good people that have the desire to run for/be president/Senate/House of Representatives/Governor/etc. and who mostly are all just trying to do their best, so that I don't ever have to feel like I need to
39. scientists
40. iPods
41. running shoes
42. socks
43. my nephew who is the cutest
44. my brothers and sisters (counting in-laws, too)
45. American history
46. having gone to BYU and taken so many different classes
47. prayer
48. perspective
49. fall
50. that I'm not allergic to any foods or medicines

Almost a month...

Well, this has been the longest hiatus with posting on my blog for the past six months. It's kind of weird to think that seven months ago I started that special diet to see if any of the food I was eating was a trigger for headaches. It's even more weird to think that five months ago I wrote my first blog post from DC (followed by many, many more). And then school started and my blogging took a backseat to figuring out how to be a third grade teacher, how to be a teacher, and how to balance my work life, personal life, and church life.

Maybe life will slow down, but probably not.

Today has been kind of a hard day. I've been really worried about someone that I care about so much all day. I'm not sure exactly what is going on with her and her life, but I know that it isn't what was planned and if it happened to me I would be crying buckets all day.  Like I said, I don't know exactly what is going on, but the worrying and praying and trying to be hopeful for her all day, has been a growing feeling throughout the day.  I wish I could do more for her than just think about her and pray for her, but I can't.  I've made myself available to talk but probably everyone wants to talk to her right now and that can get old and annoying.  Thankfully I know she has a great family that is supporting her right now and that Heavenly Father is right there with her giving her the strength she needs to make any tough decisions.

...

Other than today though, I've had a good week.  I voted on Tuesday for mayor and a city-council Member. I love feeling and knowing that I am participating in the great American experiment when I vote, even when it is in "small" elections like for mayor. These are our leaders that impact the exact place where we live! Why wouldn't we vote for "lesser" positions like mayor and city-council?

Proof! I have the "I voted!" sticker

Last week was Halloween and Cody and I dressed up as Wreck-it-Ralph and Vanellope Von Schweetz.

I'm starting to get into the groove of third grade, but I do still miss teaching fifth grade social studies. I'm trying to follow Jane Eyre's advice when she becomes the teacher to those poor, country-folk--to put aside her fine accomplishments because she knows they will keep.  I know that my love for American History will keep. I'll still find ways to incorporate it a little bit in my class (still not the same!), but that knowledge and that love will "keep."

Also, I got my first flu shot (that I can remember; I maybe got one when I was a baby) today. I figured I should just bite the bullet, get it and not try to test my luck that I won't get it this year. I've been blessed with extraordinarily good health, but I don't want to let getting sick mess up my Thanksgiving or Christmas plans (after that? Sure why not? haha).

Counting blessings

1. I went out for a run tonight and ended up running 4.67 miles with little problem (my knees started getting sore near the end).

2. A friend's third grade class is going to be pen pals with my third grade class (talk about having a motivation to write!).

3. I have the next two weeks planned for school (except for math...)!

4. We had pizza for dinner and I love pizza.

5. I'm doing benchmarks with my students tomorrow which means that I get to meet with every student individually and listen to them read. I love that!

6. I get to go to the Relief Society meeting with my sister in three weeks.

7. Cody and I will be getting together with some of our friends on Saturday for dinner or lunch and going to the temple.

8. I slept really well last night.

9. I'm feeling sort of organized with my new calling at church (Primary secretary--Primary is the children's organization in the LDS church for those who don't know), which is saying a lot since that is basically all that my calling means I need to be.

10. Beautiful sunset tonight that I got to watch appear as I went on my run.

11.  Thinking about how one of these days (soon...) I'll write about how I'm in a community orchestra and read a fantastic book that I think about all the time now.

"My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee"

I'm feeling reflective today.

My second year at BYU was a very interesting year. I learned a ton!  That was the year I officially started my major and my two minors.  That was the year that I decided I wouldn't be invisible to the people in my ward.  That was the year I began being a peer mentor for Freshman Academy (now Freshman Mentoring).  That was a year that started off with a CES (Church Educational System) Devotional with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and got another dose of him with a second CES Devotional just three and a half months later.

The first talk was "Lessons From Liberty Jail" (you can read the text or get access to the video here).  Elder Holland went through the lessons Joseph Smith learned while unjustly imprisoned in Liberty Jail in 1838-9.  He made the comparison of the prison changing from just being a place of incarceration to becoming a prison-temple experience.  As Cody and I are reading the Sunday School lesson for this week, "O God, Where Art Thou?" it got me thinking about this talk.  New insight has come as I read through the first 40 or so verses in section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants.  It has also turned my thoughts towards the 2008-2009 school year.

Little did I know on September 7, 2008 when this talk was given the impact that this devotional would have on me.  Not just the words and testimony that Elder Holland shared, but especially the closing song.  I'm not sure who actually performed in it (BYU combined choir, UVU choir, YSA stake choir?), but I loved it when I first heard it, and I loved it even more when I heard it again five months later on February 28, 2009, coming back from the temple with my friend Tara.  It had been a rough week for me. I had made some decisions that were pretty ginormous and my heart was sore about them, even though I knew the wisdom of making those decisions would be revealed to me in time.  Tara had this song on a CD and turned it on:

I can't even tell you how much this song helped buoy my spirit.  She made a copy of this song for me and I listened to it over and over and over for the next year (it was even my motivating song as I hiked the Y on my birthday that year--my birthday present to myself).

So that song has been humming around in my mind the past 12 hours since Cody and I read our scriptures together last night.  This song also brings to mind some of the scriptures that inspired this song--the parts that don't come from D&C sections 121 & 122--they are from Isaiah 54: 7-10, and it is actually in these verses where you can find the title for this hymn.

However, this isn't the only talk where Elder Holland helped me out in 2009.  He gave another CES Devotional Talk on January 13, 2009, "Remember Lot's Wife." I remember writing copious notes and feeling like he was speaking to me that cold, January Sabbath.  But then, again, I forgot about the talk as the months went on, as I found comfort in other talks and scripture.  But then Christmas 2009 rolled around.

My memory for dates can sometimes come back to me as a curse and it was doing so that December.  Dates and memories were assaulting my mind, dragging me back to questioning some of my decisions of the previous February, having me question some of the things that I knew were true about why I was still in Utah.  Late nights in Michigan that Christmas involved me searching online for relief and comfort to my soul. And that's when I stumbled across this talk again.

I remembered again that I should put my faith in my Savior and stop wondering: "Is there any future for me? What does a new year or a new semester or a new major or a new romance hold for me? Will I be safe? Will life be sound? Can I trust in the Lord and in the future? Or would it be better to look back, to go back, to go home?" (from "Remember Lot's Wife") and instead take hold of Elder Holland's invitation to "'Remember Lot's Wife.' Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come.'"

These two incidents helped put focus into my life--through the words of a song, and the words of an Apostle--I put my trust in Heavenly Father that He would lead me, guide me, and that He was walking beside me.

15 Reasons Today was Grrrreat!

I really needed today. Today was great! Let me tell you why:

1. After struggling to fall asleep in my way-too-hot apartment last night, I woke up from a great dream.
2. I was able to excuse myself for crying as I watched this video on Joseph Smith, by saying that I was crying because it's so sad about Joseph and Emma, when really I was crying because I miss Cody--but I had an excuse which made it feel better about crying.
3. I got to sit by my sister and watch my nephew watch other people during Sacrament Meeting.
4. I was able to hear a family friend, Sam Bateman, give his last talk before his mission; it was on faith.
5. I was able to play with my nephew at the Bateman's home.
6. I ate nachos for lunch (at the Bateman's home).
7. I took a little nap before church.
8. I got to play with my friend's 7 month old baby during the last 20 minutes of my ward's Sacrament Meeting.
9. I was able to reflect on service during Relief Society.
10. My dad was making fun of my mom on the phone and TOTALLY sounded just like her, which was hilarious!
11. I got to do a "Google Hangout" with Cody and look at his totally handsome, cute face and have him make me laugh.
12. I found out that some of our friends living in DC are willing to let us carpool with them to the Washington DC temple when we're there this summer.
13. I was able to visit teach with and for two of my best friends in this ward for the last time this summer.
14. I found out that one of those best friends will be going through the temple in June (probably) to receive her endowment and be sealed for time and all eternity to her husband and two little girls.
15. I am so so so happy about that news.  Visiting teaching changes us and affects us and those we visit more than we know.  Not only have I made an amazing friend, she has affected my life as I've seen her testimony growing, but I have been able to affect her life.

The day Cody and I talked about getting married.

Same day. Great day!

On the day Cody and I were sealed for time and all eternity--married forever--in the Michigan Detroit Temple

Me, my sister, and Mom on the day of my Great-Grandma Caryol's funeral

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I love how it changes us into better people. I love how all we have to bring is our belief and our desire and He will work with us and lead us on to be the people He needs us to be.  I love the temples of God and how, even though I'm only a child in my understanding, I am able to understand God's love, the Atonement, the Plan of Salvation, or myself better after attending the temple for any of the ordinances.  I am eternally grateful to be sealed to my husband for time and for all eternity, to know he is mine and I am his forever, and that my mom, my dad, my sister and her family, and my wonderful younger brothers, and all of Cody's family are my family forever.  There is no greater peace.

My Mother's Day

The day started by me going to sleep last night at 12:10 since I tried going to sleep at ten, like I normally do, but I couldn't sleep so I got up at 10:30 and read till 12:10. I woke up at 8:10 this morning and wished I'd been able to sleep more but I couldn't.

I made myself an omelet (turkey bacon, onion, mushroom, red pepper, swiss cheese) since I knew that if Cody had been home, he would have made me breakfast.  I also made myself a strawberry-peach-rhubarb cobbler. I've already had two pieces and it is delicious!

Like every Sunday, I got to talk with my Mom (and sister and brothers, and sometimes, my Dad when he isn't in a meeting).  She's had a pretty awful week but I hope it gets better.  I love talking with my Mom. She's definitely one of my best friends.

At church today, I got to speak for a few minutes about any topic of my choice regarding women/motherhood. I decided to speak about what our purpose is on this Earth and how we've been given the abilities to achieve our purpose.  So what is our purpose? We learn in 2 Nephi 2:25 that "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy."  I listened to President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk from October 2008, "Happiness, Your Heritage," and Sister Mary Ellen Smoot's talk from April 2000, "We are Creators."  I focused on how our purpose is to have joy and eternal happiness. One of the ways that we we find joy is by creating things.  Now, it isn't just creating a piece of art, or writing, or singing. Creation means, "bringing into existence something that did not create before," which could include children, order and organization, memories, laughter, comfort, peace, etc. In Sister Smoot's talk she quotes President David O. McKay as saying, "Sculptors of life are we, with our uncarved souls before us.  Everyone of us is carving a soul."  With our Savior's help, we are creating beautiful souls that are pure and chaste and God-like every day as we make choices that are in harmony with the principles of the Gospel.  Three questions to think about: What will I create of my life? My time? My future?

Now my day is going to end with talking with Cody and hopefully going to bed easily at 9:30.

Why I visit teach each month

As I was eating my dinner tonight, I reflected on church today, especially on the lesson in Relief Society (for those of you that don't know, Relief Society is the hour of church where the women come together to teach each other from the scriptures and words of the prophets).   The lesson today was on Preident Monson's message on seeing others as they may become.  As we discussed ways that we can show others that we love them, visiting teaching came up.

Visiting teaching.  What is it?  Is it simply going out to visit the two or three sisters you've been given stewardship over to make sure they're not in a crisis and to share a brief spiritual message with them once a month?  Yes and no.  The goal is to minister like the Savior ministered and continues to minister to us through the Spirit.  The other goal is to make friends in the gospel.  But the goal is not to just have one more thing on your check off list.  Sometimes that might be what you need to make sure you make time to do it, but ministering isn't an item on a to-do list.

Ministering is keeping others in your thoughts and prayers and serving them in any way you can and that they need.  Right now I'm finding that my biggest acts of service are simply being consistent in going each month to visit, inviting them to church, and answering questions.

But why do I go visit teach every month since I've been assigned to be a visiting teacher?  It's because of two people: my mom and my sister.  I've seen the difference that my mom has made in others lives and I want to be like that.  With my sister, I've seen how she hasn't been visited very much, ever. And it makes me sad.  So I visit teach each month because I wish someone would do that for MY sister.  I wish someone would care enough about MY sister to visit her each month and to keep her in their prayers.  Because I care about my sister that much,  I figure there are other sisters and moms out there who hope the same for their sister and daughter, and so I go.

Me, my sister, my Mom

I go and over time I become friends with these amazing women I am blessed to visit. I go and I am blessed by interacting with these women.  I go and pray that sometime soon someone will do the same for my dear sister,  that they'll become friends and they'll realize just how amazing she is.  THAT'S why I go visiting teaching.

Missing and Not

I'm missing France and French today. I know I do a French Club every week at school, but it's different from learning it and being immersed in it. I hope that I'm helping my French Club students gain a love of French so that they'll want to take it in junior high and high school. But mostly it's so that I don't forget everything. And I've forgotten a lot of the more complicated things. One day I hope that I'll be able to take some more college level French courses.

                                         

I'm missing art. I really miss my ceramics and drawing classes I took at BYU.  Taking the time to create was something I loved and struggled with and loved all the more for that struggle. I checked out a watercolor book at the library yesterday with the half-formed plan of trying out watercolor again, especially when Cody's gone on his trips in the next few months.

I'm missing energy. I had a horrid migraine (or what I refer to as a migraine since the doctor obviously says it isn't unless it's diagnosed) last night.  I couldn't sleep for a few hours and I've been lacking in energy most of today.


I'm missing the love of teaching today. This is probably absent from my life today because 1) it was there yesterday, 2) I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I am sooo affected by the amount of sleep I get, and 3) it seems like a lot of the teachers are just as exhausted as I am at school lately and no one is doing the cheering up and rallying. If I had the energy I would try, but I've just been so stretched lately.

I'm missing my memory.  I've been having blank stretches in my memory, they only last for about a minute but there is no memory whatsoever in my mind of certain things in my life.  I'm sure it's just because I've been tired lately, but I really don't like forgetting things.

I'm not missing unwelcome memories. While I've been forgetting certain things, a lot of other memories have been crowding my brain and making it hard for me to sleep and focus.  Sometimes those memories are unimportant, like thinking about how one of my students moved around the classroom. Who cares? But it can play back and forth in my memory. Other memories are more potent and lead to comparisons and I wish they would stay in the back room so I could fully appreciate the present and find ways to make the best of where I'm at now, instead of wishing for more efficient days or more harmonious days or days when I felt more intellectually stretched.

I'm not missing having an unreliable car. It's been so wonderful having our Mazda 6 this winter.  I've never had to really wonder if the car would be able to make it anywhere. And while the Saturn lives on, it's so nice having a car that is comfortable, classy, and reliable.

I'm not missing homework assignments for a college grade.

I'm not missing single's ward drama, especially in February.

I'm not missing being unemployed.

I know life isn't always the ideal and I know it probably won't ever be exactly what I thought I wanted, but I will get lucky sometimes and get something better. Sometimes it'll be worse, but if I just do the things I can control--sleep, exercise, eating right, telling my husband I love him every day, talking with my family often, keeping my testimony strong, and paying tithing (BIG testimony builder moments with that one lately)--then I know I'll be blessed to be able to endure and make it through.

Temples & Tents

Cody and I were able to go to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple today.  It was his first time going there since he was on his mission when they did the Open House and it was my first time being in there since it was dedicated.  Our experience today was different from the other times when we've gone in the past seven months.  We didn't realize we'd barely missed the previous session by three minutes, so we waited for another 57 minutes until the next session started.

As I sat there contemplating, my thoughts turned toward our stake's Pioneer Trek tomorrow.  It will be at Martin's Cove, a place I've never been, but that has a lot of significance when talking about the pioneers, especially those that came west by handcart. We won't be sleeping next to the handcarts for the next three days--we'll be in tents (that I just hauled over from our Bishop's house)--but the purpose of the three day activity is to help the youth feel the Spirit that those pioneers had over 150 years ago.  We won't ever know exactly what it was like, however much we study the stories of those that crossed the plains or however many pioneer treks we go on or however many books we read about it.  Then what's the point?  The point is that we'll be standing in a holy place, we'll be learning about people who left everything--who left wealth, comfort, families--to trudge across dusty, muddy, snowy, frostbitten ground to make it to a place they called Zion.  Why on Earth would anyone do that? Because they believed, because they had made a covenant to "stand as a witness of God at all times, in all things, in all places," and because they loved God. I think that's what the point of all pioneer treks is: to help us understand the love, the willingness to sacrifice, and the consecration of those early Latter-day Saints had and that we can do them same.

"Way to break your bow"

Yesterday I got my 7th notification that I had done a great job in the interview and it was really hard deciding, but they've decided to give the position to someone else.  I was a bit disappointed and a little discouraged--what am I doing wrong? Am I answering the questions wrong? Am I just not supposed to get a job? Is this just supposed to be hard for me?

That is the vein of thought I was in around 2pm yesterday when Cody came home from work and I apologize for that--I wouldn't want to be around that kind of thinking.  But thankfully, shortly thereafter, Cody and I read 1 Nephi 16.  Now, whenever I read 1 Nephi 16 and get to the part about Nephi breaking his bow, I always think of seminary and Mike Davis giving the commentary from Laman and Lemuel, "Way to break your bow, Nephi!"  It still makes me smile.

Yet this time reading through chapter 16, Cody helped me see how my situation right now totally applies to that chapter--I need to not murmur, be ready to make a new bow (even when my precious steel one breaks), go to others for help and guidance, be faithful and diligent and give heed to the words of the Lord found in the scriptures and modern revelation, etc.  That was the perfect start for me to rise above my discouragement and become hopeful again.  No, it isn't easy; but after Nephi and his family struggled in this chapter, they found Bountiful and had rest for a little bit before going on to their next adventure.  The same could be true for me.

Plus, I got two letters in the mail yesterday which made me so happy, especially since one of them has been a long awaited letter from Lindsey Herde!  And she was inspired and included this quote at the end of her letter, "Progress is any movement toward peaceful acceptance of whatever the future may hold.  Working on things we can change, whether in personal or professional life, rather than concentrating and obsessing about those we can't, builds self worth and fosters hope" (August 2008, Ensign, "Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope). Thank you, Lindsey!

By "some" chance...

I went to the TRC (Teaching Resource Center) at the MTC (Missionary Training Center) this afternoon, like I've been doing again every week since I graduated.  I've been so blessed because I've been able to be with the group of missionaries that have been there for the past few weeks.  They've been here for seven weeks and have only two more weeks here.  Since I've been taught by several of them more than once over the past few weeks, I've been able to see the growth and change as they've been learning French, their ability to teach the Gospel, and their ability to teach with a companion.

Today was one of the best experiences I've had as a volunteer there.  I was taught first by two elders: Elders Cline and Barker.  Elder Barker, I think, knew French before (I think that because his accent and sentence structure and grammar are very advanced), whereas Elder Cline learned all of it in the MTC.  They taught me a lesson on how we gain revelation by studying the Book of Mormon.  Elder Barker brought up the point that all our questions can be answered as we read the Book of Mormon and listen to the Spirit, but also that many answers are explicitly in the text. For example, the question about why there is suffering and good people are allowed to die or are killed.  We had a discussion about how without the bad, there wouldn't be any good.  As a result of mortality, we agreed to the consequences of mortality: sickness, aging, accidents, etc.  And even in man-made choice-driven situations (like war or murder or other awful things), if a righteous person is killed, then they are sooner in the rest of the Lord.  That really struck me and I told them so.

The those elders left and I was expecting a new set of elders to come in and teach me the same message. However, by some chance, Elder Cline forgot that he had just been in my room, and he had a new companion (Elder McCray) when they knocked on my door ten minutes later. Elder Cline was surprised when I opened the door, but he and Elder McCray made it work by saying they were doing splits. :)  Because Elder Cline had already taught me, he decided to change the message slightly (which was perfect!).  And actually in this situation, Elder Cline was the more advanced of the two elders in terms of the language.  Elder McCray was struggling with communicating in French, though he was able to share the most important things.

As they quickly changed their approach to the message, Elder Cline had me read 2 Nephi 32:3 and share what I thought of when I read that scripture.  As I read it, a new thought occurred to me that I shared with them: In the talk, The Tongue of Angels, Elder Holland talks about how we can speak with the tongue of angels. I elaborated on that point and said that when we have the Holy Ghost and are following His promptings and speaking what comes to us, we become angels to those with whom we interact.  That seemed to really strike Elder Cline.  They finished their message early, so I asked them both to share the scripture that has helped them a lot while they have been at the MTC.

Elder McCray shared his scripture first, Alma 26:12:
Yea, I know that I am ^anothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will ^bnot boast of myself, but I will ^cboast of my God, for in his ^dstrength I can do all ^ethings; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.
When Elder McCray elaborated on this scripture, the Spirit came so strongly.  He bore his testimony of how he knows that all his strength comes from God.


Elder Cline shared his scripture first, Ether 12:27:  
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.
Then Elder Cline shared a simple, yet powerful testimony, of how hard it is to learn and communicate in another language. He shared how he feels so weak, yet he testified that the Lord will and does help him everyday.

As the elders were leaving, Elder Cline turned back and thanked me again for coming.  I think he and I needed each other today: I needed to learn from him and he needed learn from me. By "some" chance, he ended up in my room twice, he taught me twice.  Thank goodness for the Lord guiding our lives by His tender mercies.

(En français : Les suggestions pour l’étude des écritures)

Aujourd’hui j’ai étudié des suggestions pour l’étude des écritures.  Il y a une question qui dit : « Quelles suggestions n’avez-vous pas encore essayées ? »  Pendant le temps que je lisais les listes, quelques suggestions m’intriguées. 

1. Cherchez les mots-clés et assurez-vous que vous en comprenez le sens. 
2. Servez-vous de la Bible et des cartes de l’histoire de l’Eglise pour apprendre la géographie, les distances, le climat et le terrain.
3. Essayez d’écrire en une seule phrase ou en un paragraphe court l’idée principale du passage
4. Visualisez ce que vous étudiez.

 Je pense que j’essayerai suggestions 1 et 4 quand j’étudie « Prêchez mon Evangile » et les leçons pour l’école de dimanche en français.  Quelquefois, peut-être que j’essayerai suggestion 2 et 3 quand j’étudie les leçons pour l’école de dimanche.  Définitivement, j’essayerai 1 et 4.  

(En français : Mes études des écritures)

Aujourd’hui j’ai fait l’activité dans « Prêchez mon Évangile » chapitre 2 : Une étude efficace, page 23 :

« Choisissez l’un des passages d’Ecriture suivants.  En lisant le passage que vous avez choisi et en méditant à son sujet, trouvez deux ou trois manières de l’appliquer.

·         2 Néphi 31

·         Alma 32 : 26-43

·         Moroni 7 :32-48

Evaluez la façon dont vous pratiquez les principes que vous enseignez.  Choisissez une manière de vous améliorer et prenez des dispositions pour le faire. »

J’ai fait l’exercice avec 2 Néphi 31.  Pendant je lisais, quelques questions venaient :

2 Néphi 31 : 7—Comment est-ce que j’obéi plus ?

2 Néphi 31 : 12—Qu’est-ce que Jésus faisait que je dois faire ?

Je pense que je peux obéir plus dans la conseille pour le Sabbat : « Et afin de te préserver plus complètement  des souillures du monde, tu iras en mon saint jour à la maison de prière et tu y offriras tes sacrements ; car en vérité, c’est ce jour qui t’est désigné pour que tu te reposes de tes labeurs et pour que tu présentes tes dévotions au Très-Haut » (D&A 59 :9-10).  Tous que je fais sur le Sabbat doivent être pour la glorification de Dieu.  Peut-être que mes actions seraient le service pour les autres ou lire les écritures ou parler à ma famille—mais je les fais maintenant.  Quelle sont les autres activités que je peux faire ? 

Je viens à mon autre question : chaque jour, mais en particulier, sur le Sabbat, qu’est-ce que le Sauveur faisait que je peux aussi faire ?  Actes 10 : 38 : « Vous savez comment Dieu a oint du Saint-Esprit et de force Jésus de Nazareth, qui allait de lieu en lieu faisant du bien et guérissant tous ceux qui étaient sous l’empire du diable, car Dieu était avec lui. »  C’est une question que je dois la penser plus avec la prière de me guider.

TRC volunteering

The past three weeks I've gone and volunteered in the TRC (Teaching Resource Center) at the MTC (Missionary Training Center) in French. It has been such an amazing experience! Not only do I get to practice speaking in French myself, not only do I get a little confidence booster that I really do know more French than I think I do, but I also get to feel the Spirit and I get to have my testimony strengthened of the reality of Jesus Christ, His mission, and the mission of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

This past week I was able to be there for two hours (usually I'm only there for one but this week my career strategies class got out early). The first hour I was with more experienced missionaries (they'd been there for eight weeks) and so they taught the lesson in French. They taught me about the Plan of Salvation and the Word of Wisdom. Did you know what the Word of Wisdom translates as in French? La perle de sagesse. The pearl of wisdom. Basically the same thing but the change from "word" to "pearl" really stuck out to me.

The second hour I was with missionaries who had only been there for one week. They did their initial contact and setting up an appointment in the first fifteen minutes (like the more advanced missionaries had done) but they were so nervous! I felt so bad for them. The last pair that was in the room with me, I heard them talk in English once they left the room and they were talking about how badly it had gone. I said a little prayer for them while they were out in the hall preparing for the lesson they would teach me in English. They taught me about the church and Book of Mormon. I know that I've read the scriptures they had me read countless times--Joseph Smith History 1:16-17 and Moroni 10:3-5. But this time both of those scripture accounts really impressed themselves on me. The fact that just at the moment when Joseph was going to surrender to the adversary, the pillar of light descended and he saw the Father and the Son. The fact that the Lord has been merciful unto the children of men from the time of Adam even down until the time that we read the words contained in the Book of Mormon. Those facts really struck a chord within me. They're true.

The Lord truly does love us. God will be there for us, even if it isn't until the last hour, He will come. Sometimes we need to see what we can do and what we will do in a certain situation. Sometimes our faith is tried. And probably many times we just don't see the hand of the Lord guiding our lives.

I'm so grateful I get to go to the TRC and have my testimony strengthened.