Almost a month...

Well, this has been the longest hiatus with posting on my blog for the past six months. It's kind of weird to think that seven months ago I started that special diet to see if any of the food I was eating was a trigger for headaches. It's even more weird to think that five months ago I wrote my first blog post from DC (followed by many, many more). And then school started and my blogging took a backseat to figuring out how to be a third grade teacher, how to be a teacher, and how to balance my work life, personal life, and church life.

Maybe life will slow down, but probably not.

Today has been kind of a hard day. I've been really worried about someone that I care about so much all day. I'm not sure exactly what is going on with her and her life, but I know that it isn't what was planned and if it happened to me I would be crying buckets all day.  Like I said, I don't know exactly what is going on, but the worrying and praying and trying to be hopeful for her all day, has been a growing feeling throughout the day.  I wish I could do more for her than just think about her and pray for her, but I can't.  I've made myself available to talk but probably everyone wants to talk to her right now and that can get old and annoying.  Thankfully I know she has a great family that is supporting her right now and that Heavenly Father is right there with her giving her the strength she needs to make any tough decisions.

...

Other than today though, I've had a good week.  I voted on Tuesday for mayor and a city-council Member. I love feeling and knowing that I am participating in the great American experiment when I vote, even when it is in "small" elections like for mayor. These are our leaders that impact the exact place where we live! Why wouldn't we vote for "lesser" positions like mayor and city-council?

Proof! I have the "I voted!" sticker

Last week was Halloween and Cody and I dressed up as Wreck-it-Ralph and Vanellope Von Schweetz.

I'm starting to get into the groove of third grade, but I do still miss teaching fifth grade social studies. I'm trying to follow Jane Eyre's advice when she becomes the teacher to those poor, country-folk--to put aside her fine accomplishments because she knows they will keep.  I know that my love for American History will keep. I'll still find ways to incorporate it a little bit in my class (still not the same!), but that knowledge and that love will "keep."

Also, I got my first flu shot (that I can remember; I maybe got one when I was a baby) today. I figured I should just bite the bullet, get it and not try to test my luck that I won't get it this year. I've been blessed with extraordinarily good health, but I don't want to let getting sick mess up my Thanksgiving or Christmas plans (after that? Sure why not? haha).

"You are buried in the past...It is time to move on"

Those of you who read my post about Jane Eyre, are here for the next installment: Charlotte Bronte herself.

Labor Day weekend, I started and finished The Secret Diaries of Charlotte Bronte by Syrie James.  As much as I felt like I knew Charlotte Bronte before reading this book, I now realize that I was probably missing a big part of her--her actual personality.  Yes, she is similar to Jane Eyre and Lucy Snowe, but I think there was more to her than I realized.  One of the biggest things that I learned about and that I'm grateful to know about now was her growing friendship and eventual love for her husband, Arthur Bell Nicholls.

The reason why I'm especially grateful to know more about that relationship is because of what I had read previously about how she hadn't really liked him, she'd been in love with her professor, and she'd turned down other offers for marriage, and then looking at her age, 37, when she got married, I always had the thought, "I hope she didn't just marry him out of convenience," even though I know that she wrote to a friend after she was married that she felt her heart was knit with her husband's.

To delve into those concerns a little bit further:
She hadn't really liked him--That is true.  She found him close-minded in certain areas. However, she did acknowledge his generous nature to others and his indispensable service for her father as his curate.  She also reacted towards him based on incorrect information she had about him. Once she realized the truth of what really happened, she allowed herself to start to become friends with him.

She'd been in love with her professor--That is true.  But that was 10 years before she got married.  She used descriptions of M. Heger to create Mr. Rochester and M. Paul Emmanuel. However, she buried (literally) that part of her life in order to let herself live.  I was particularly touched by a dream she recorded after her sisters had all passed away and they visited her in a dream, telling her that they were dead and couldn't live, yet there she was living and yet she was living as one dead. She needed to leave the past in the past and move on to the living and real. Her sisters told her that she was buried in the past, she needed to move on and leave Belgium behind.  I have continually thought about this statement and experience because I wonder, as one who likes to look back at experiences in my life, do I live to much in the past? Am I leaving behind my Belgium (whatever it may be--past hurts, feelings of inadequacy, etc.) and moving on so that I can live and develop fully in the time that I have been given in this life?  No, I don't have a secret old love like Charlotte did for her professor, but just like Charlotte, perhaps I, too, need to find more ways to live in and appreciate the present.

She'd turned down other offers for marriage--That is true. This one always intrigued me because on the life lines in the beginning or backs of books written by Charlotte, it mentions those other offers of marriage and I always wanted more information about them.  Well here is some information: One of the marriage proposals was in a letter, the other was someone she didn't know but assumed she would want to get married since she wasn't married yet, rejected a marriage proposal from a man in her publishing house who she knew she wouldn't really suit, and then she first rejected her husband's proposal because her father was against it, but later accepted it when she decided to live and give him a shot.

It wasn't that she just "gave in".  She really became friends with Arthur and while she couldn't say she loved him when they got married, the respect and friendship she had for him turned to love as she got to know him better, saw him with his family, and he was able to freely show how much he loved and adored her.

What is most tragic to me, is that she died while she was pregnant, probably because she just had horrible morning sickness.  After being married for nine months, and being happier in those nine months than she had been in years (and feeling a peace in her life that she had never felt before), she died.  That is so sad.

I hope that someday I'll get to talk with Charlotte Bronte (fun note: her last name is pronounced "Brunty"--when her father came from Ireland to England, he was able to write his last name--Brunty--however he wanted, and he tried to make it look more elegant by spelling it with an o and with the e and double dots; but it's just pronounced Brunty).  Her books have changed my life. Learning about her life has added to my life, as well.

Also here are the two photographs that Charlotte took with her husband during their honeymoon tour:

A lot of thoughts about Jane Eyre

I have spent the last week thinking constantly about Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, since I have reread it for the 8th or 9th time, I believe.  Since I wrote some blog posts on Villette when I read it for the first time three years ago, I thought it was time that I wrote a post about Jane Eyre.

The first time I read this novel I was in eighth grade and thought it one of the most romantic and exemplary books I'd ever read--even more so than Pride and Prejudice that I had read a year earlier.

I bought Jane Eyre on a whim at the school's book fair--it was only five dollars, I liked the cover, it promised romance on the back, and it was fairly thick.  As I began reading I was instantly pulled in by Jane's voice--or Charlotte Bronte's voice, is how I view it now after having read all her works--and by the familiarity of feeling that seemed to swell in me as I read about how she fought her emotions as a child between being good and wanting justice, how she dealt with the loss of a friend, and how even as she worked she yearned to be more a part of the world. Then I met Mr. Rochester. And then I really met Jane.

Mr. Rochester

It seems like Mr. Rochester is an enigma to many men (my husband included) who only see the movies of Jane Eyre.  In the movies he seems to be very changing, sometimes violent, kind of a creeper, mean (trying to force jealousy), a liar, manipulative, and not really in love with Jane--perhaps in infatuation, but not love.  So why on Earth does he seem to be a man of romance to so many women?

The way I tried to explain it to Cody was that just like he and I are perfect matches for each other--based on past experiences, mutual interests, learning from each other, etc.--for the character Jane, Mr. Rochester is her perfect match.  The blossoming of that realization is very apparent in the novel, though I think, harder to show in a movie since most of the realizing happens in Jane's head.  Also, near the end of the book there is a quote that says, "I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth...I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine." Even though most of the time, Mr. Rochester seems to be a crantankerous man, he loves Jane and Jane loves him.

I do have my problems with Mr. Rochester's character, but guess what? He isn't my match. He's Jane's, and it's wonderful seeing how they complete each other.  My real problem with Mr. Rochester is how he is portrayed in the movies.  But I'll get to that later.

The Real Jane

What did I mean when I said that during my first reading of Jane Eyre I went through her childhood and early working time and meeting Mr. Rochester, and then that's when I really met Jane? Hadn't I been reading about her for the first 300+ pages?  Why wasn't she real before then?

Well, she was. But she didn't discover her strength, her core, until 300+ pages into it.  Mr. Rochester seems to see it in her before she does (during the gypsy scene, "that brow professes to say--'I can live along, if self-respect and circumstances require me to do so. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.' The forehead declares, 'Reason sits firm and holds the reins, and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild chasms.  The passions may rage furiously, like true heathens, as they are; and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things: but judgements shall still have the last word in every argument, and the casting vote in every decision. Strong wind, earthquake-shock, and fire may pass by: but I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscious.'") Since it was my first reading of the novel, I didn't see this foreshadowing.

It wasn't until the critical moment of the plot, when all is in turmoil, and Jane is in agony and doesn't know what to do, when she thinks, "I care for myself.  The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.  I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man.  I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad--as I am now.  Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent they are; inviolate they shall be.  If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth--so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane--quite insane, with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs.  Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations are all I have at this hour to stand by; there I plant my foot."

Oh my heart stopped when I read this! This is what I think and feel! This is how I want to be! my 14-year-old self thought.  I wanted to be strong against temptation. I wanted to know that it was okay to step out of the flow of what is "normal" and "accepted," to stand alone and to be okay with myself for doing that.  If Jane could do it--and by extension, Charlotte Bronte, because I am certain she had to do so as I've studied her life--then I could, too.

I've often thought of this quote as I've gone through hard times, especially a few years ago when I had to make some tough decisions and stick by them.  It was extremely difficult. It wasn't what I had expected. However, though I didn't feel exactly like Jane in that no one was trying to outwardly force me to do the opposite of what I had decided, the other half of my nature was wanting me to do it.  I wanted to do what I had decided I wouldn't do. But I could think about how I knew what I was doing was right and then I would have more strength to do it.  Also, it was just a good quote to keep floating around my head during dating and being engaged--"Laws and principles have a worth! They have a worth!" I would inwardly say to myself when temptation could have arisen. As a result, I never felt like I got close to anything I didn't want to get close to.

Back to the plot: After this point in the novel, we see the foil of the Thornfield Hall episode in the shape of the Rivers' home. I rather like the contrast and have never found this point in the book particularly boring, especially because it shows that Jane can stick by what she said she would do and that she won't give in purely to reason; she still has feelings and knows that she needs to satisfy reason and desires in order to have true happiness.

Needless to say, I love Jane. I love Jane because she grows up in this novel (not like in Pride and Prejudice, which I also love, but Elizabeth is 21 pretty much the entire novel) and you get to see how she changes and figures herself out. I love Jane because she has integrity. I love Jane because she knows how to balance logic and reason, and emotions and feelings.

The Movies

(MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT: I'm not tiptoeing around any plot developments here)

1983 version

Now for my critiques of the movies.  I have seen the 1983, 1995, 2006, and 2011 versions of Jane Eyre.  While I think the chemistry between Jane and Mr. Rochester is best in the 2006 version, I think that Jane's passionate integrity comes out best the 2011 version. I do like that the 1983 version includes more lines from the actual book, and includes a more faithful rendition of Lowood than the other three.  The 1983 version is also the most complete movie (probably because it is a miniseries) in having events that are in the book but that are usually omitted from the other movies (i.e. the gypsy scene, when Jane lost her parcel and went begging, a true rendition of how Jane gets her inheritance, Rosamond Oliver, the several times that St. John proposes, how Rochester ends up at a separate house at the end, and that Rochester's hand was amputated not just that he went blind).  I also think that Jane's character was developed very well in the 1983 version in that she doesn't seem like an abnormally quiet person all the time; she can and does laugh and her bluntness seems more in character in this version.

However, the acting is a little forceful in the first several episodes of the 1983 version, the typhus episode is actually talked about (unlike in the other three) but Helen Burns death and her parting, inspiring, life-changing, faith-building words are not included. The made a few, though not memorable (unless you have just read the book like I have), changes towards the end, but overall, they did a remarkably good job with this version, except for the kid actors in the first couple episodes.

1995 version

The 1995 version completely changes events for the last half of the movie--St. John apparently is Mrs. Reed's parson at Gateshead, the house burns down the moment Jane leaves, since Mr. Eyre "never believed Jane to have died" and still left her his fortune--how on Earth did Mr. Mason find out about the wedding?, when Jane returns it is to Thornfield Hall, not Ferndean Hall. I was just very unimpressed with the ending of this movie (and some events at the beginning at Lowood--Jane's hair did not get cut off, neither does Helen's; Ms Temple is supposed to be the superintendent, not Ms. Miller; and Jane didn't stay on the stool all day, only a half hour).

2006 version

The 2006 version I haven't seen in four years so I can't say much about it except that there is one scene in particular when Jane is leaving Rochester that I think the director wanted to put in a little more firey-ness than actually is found in the book. But whatever, that's his license.  Also, I don't think that Mr. Rochester was ugly enough; he was rather nice looking in this version. Until I saw the 2011 version, this one was my favorite.

2011 version

The 2011 version is one of my favorite versions because it gives more of the full picture, without being a mini-series like the 1983 version.  While Jane's passionate integrity comes out more in this movie, I feel like the build up of her and Rochester's relationship isn't as strong as it is in the book.  I also think Rochester is too handsome in this movie.  Overall, this is my favorite version for a shortened 2 hour movie adaptation.

Day 18: Fontainebleau & thoughts on Villette

Today was a beautiful day to go to Fontainebleau!

(Fontainebleau)

It was sunny and warm and wonderful! A nice change after the rain and cold and wind that we've experienced on our last two group outings. We all split into little groups to spend our 5 hours in the city, castle, and gardens. I spent my time with Grace and Judy. We started by going through the castle. We saw Napoleon's apartments, Francois I apartments and some other ornate rooms. Fontainebleau was the one castle that all the kings and queens of France (and one emperor...Napoleon) have lived in at some point. The Hall of Francois I was the inspiration for the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles.

(Beth standing in the Hall of Francois I)

(View from the Hall of Francois I)

(Diana Gallery created by Henry IV for his wife so she could take

some "leisurely strolls" according to our audioguide)

After going through the chateau, we went out into the gardens. We spent our time in the Jardin Anglais. Judy and Grace frolicked a little bit. My legs were sore from running the other night and I was kinda tired from staying out late last night, so I didn't frolick. But I did keenly enjoy the scene around me. It was so beautiful! I know I keep using that word, but it feels like it has been such a long time that I've been in such a secluded, nature setting. I definitely need to go on some hikes or spend some time in parks when I return to Provo. I would have greatly enjoyed spending the rest of our time wandering the gardens, if it hadn't been for becoming hungry...

(Pond/body of water just behind Fontainebleau)

(In the Jardin Anglais)

(In the Jardin Anglais)

So for lunch we decided to go to a real French cafe and order ourselves some lunch. I ordered a croque monsieur, which had a green salad that came with it and we received a basket of three pieces of a baguette which were delicious. Then for dessert I ordered a mille-feuille. So good! So good.

(Croque monsieur, salad, bread basket, water)

(Mille-feuille)

I slept on the bus ride back to Paris. This was the sunset that ended this wonderful day in France. :)

(Sunset from the bridge over the Seine by Musee d'Orsay)

On the Metro ride back to le Vesinet with Grace we had a nice conversation. I rose the topic of conversation because of some of the things I've been thinking about because I finished Villette last night. It was definitely written by Charlotte Bronte. And it both pleased me and disappointed me. I recommend it for those of you who like Charlotte Bronte's writing. It was different from Jane Eyre and I don't think it surpasses that novel in my love for it, but it did touch me and affect me in a different way than Jane Eyre. Critics say that all of Charlotte's novels were autobiographical to a degree; if that is the case, then I think that in some ways, Charlotte and I could be considered rather similar. I was trying to explain my thoughts on Villette to a girl in the program this morning and the best way I could say it was that Villette was for a different part of my life than Jane Eyre. However, I do think that in Villette Charlotte Bronte does the best job I have ever read about describing loneliness, patience, and hope, especially as it pertains to a young woman. I may reread Villette when I/as I return to Provo. I need to think about it some more, give it some think-time, but then another perusal may be in order in the coming months.

Day 14: Versailles & Villette

Versailles was not as cool as I thought it would be, I hate to say. Yes, it was beautiful, but it was just another grand, ornate palace. I wish the weather had cooperated and we could have walked around in the gardens, but alas it was cold, windy, and rainy today. Not a good day for meandering in a park.

(side of the front gate)

(view of the gardens from inside the palace)

Maybe it was because of the hustle and bustle and hundreds of people that were in the palace at the same time that caused me to not enjoy it as much. If I had been a lone wanderer in the palace, with my audioguide, and a bar of chocolate :) I feel that I would have enjoyed it much more. Also, a castle, while beautiful, cannot give you a real sense for what the people were like who lived there, especially since it was such a public place. Privacy and personal preferences had to be weighed on the scale of public display and decorum.

If people were to walk into my room in Provo, they would get a little glimpse at the kind of person that I am--pictures of my family, Paris, Christ, Education in Zion exhibit postcard, notes from my younger brothers, Weeping American Elm photos, a shoebox full of photo albums, textbooks and binders piled high at the edge of my part of the desk, and various knick-knacks strewn over the whole of the desk. They may be able to discern that I like blue from my blue comforter and blue pillow case and blue picture frame at the side of my bed with my brothers' pictures inside. My scriptures and journal on the table next to my bed, with the space under my bed crammed full of boxes and suitcases arranged in a surprisingly well-managed manner. Yet the people who look over my things don't know me. They can't know about the kind of person I am, my likes, dislikes, what makes my breath catch, what causes my pulse to race in anger, my experiences, my habits, myself. They can't know me by looking at my belongings.

In a similar way, while it is a wonderful experience and opportunity we have to look at and walk through many grand chateaux from various French royalty and nobility, we can't fathom the lives they lived. Even reading about the general time frame, unless we know what they themselves wrote in letters or published, we can't know those people. If someone were to study 21st century and try to create who I am out of that knowledge, they would fall sadly short of describing me.

We looked at the bedrooms of Louis XIV, the Queen's Chamber and the Dauphin's quarters. I looked at them and marveled at their beauty, but what did I really gain from looking at those things?

(Louis XIV bed)

(view from Louis XIV bedroom)

(Queen's chamber)

(Dauphin's childhood room)

(Dauphin's adult chamber)

However, if I were to take what I saw and experienced walking through Versailles today and apply it to what I have learned and what I may learn in the future about life at Versailles and Louis XIV life, then I will gain a closer picture of who he was. Just like many people only see one side of a person at work or school, if you were to visit their home you would see that person in a different environment and therefore gain a new perspective.

(bust of Louis XIV by Bernini)

(Beth in the Hall of Mirrors)

Leaving Versailles alone, on Sunday I began reading Villette by Charlotte Bronte. That book, like Jane Eyre (maybe it's just Charlotte...), has struck a chord within me. Like Jane, I recognize myself in Lucy Snowe. I'm almost halfway through the novel and there is so much that I have already felt is like me. There are four parts in particular that have struck me enough to put a marker in so that I will extract the quote for later remembrance (or perhaps memorization, like my favorite quote from Jane Eyre). One of these parts applies very well to my experience here in France:

"I could say nothing whatever; not possessing a phrase of speaking French: and it was French, and French only, the whole world seemed now gabbling around me. What should I do? Approaching the conductor, I just laid my hand on his arm, pointed to a trunk, then to the diligence-roof, and tried to express a question with my eyes. He misunderstood me, seized the trunk indicated, and was about to hoist it on the vehicle" (p. 123).