An insight into my adolesence

Looking back, I would say that I had a really easy time of being a teenager.  My sister and I figured out how to be friends (after I decided to stop getting mad at her for taking my second lunch; yes, I really did take two lunches to school, at least during cross country season), I got along great with my parents, my brothers were cute and young, I always had a job, I had friends at school and church and work, I was trusted by my teachers and employers, and I pretty much thought I had my life figured out.  I didn't get involved in any self-destructive behavior. I read a lot.  I worked a lot. And I liked boys, a lot.

Yet, even with knowing all of this, I also know that I sometimes had a really hard time as a teenager. Not because my life was overwhelming, or the odds were never in my favor, or because people were mean to me.  No, my life felt hard because I had a problem with loneliness.  I'm not sure what the root of it was, but there were nights when I would think about how all the guys I liked would never like me and how I would be miserable forever. I guess I just was a glutton for unrequited "love."  

The reason I got to thinking about this was that as I was looking through my revision exercise (that I mentioned last time), and deleting about 10 pages of ridiculous dialogue and plot, I came across this gem which will also be deleted. I am soooo sorry for the horrible writing; I wrote this when I was 14.  Also, I've put in dashes where there were names, so don't get tripped up by that.

"In the midst of her sobbing she began speaking aloud very softly to herself, “Why are you crying...I thought you were done…Oh goodness I just want someone to hold me, like when ------ just held me…please, someone just hold me…but not -------…not him…” her desire overcame her and she began sobbing again; her coughing worsened.  “Mom…Mommy, please come and give me a hug.  You could always make it better…cough cough cough…please!  I just want someone to hold me…” in her mind a picture of ----flashed.  She recoiled from the image...  “No…no…not him.  Someone who thinks that I am special and will love me for who I am…why is love so complicated!  I just want someone to love me and me love them in return…” she continued to sob. 

Slowly her sobs died away with only an occasional cough. The last thought ------- had before giving away to sleep was, “I just want to love a man…a good man…and for him to hold me and make it all better…”She managed to fall into a fitful sleep.  The blanket her mother had brought in that her grandmother had made was scrunched up all around -------, almost as if she were clinging to anything familiar to save herself from slipping away into the nightmare that had been her life of late."

I actually have a distinct memory of writing this part--on one of those lonely nights when I had been hoping my mom would come in.  Well, she didn't come in that night, so I turned on my computer, and typed that scene. It was self-therapy. I was calmed down enough that I could go to sleep. The next day, I was completely fine and didn't say anything to anyone.  Another time when I was lonely and crying, my mom did come in. The next day I was completely fine and we didn't say anything to anyone.

I wasn't depressed or anything in high school.  But I think sometimes we forget how emotional it is as a teenager (and I didn't even want to be emotional when I was a teenager).  I'm so glad I'll only be a teenager once.

NOTE: Mom--don't feel bad about this if you read this.  You're a great mom.  I needed to learn to grow up.  Maybe I also needed to find this piece of teenager in my "monster" and reflect on how great my life was as an adolescent compared to how it felt like sometimes.  Thanks for always being there when I had concerns and gathered up enough courage to voice them. You read my mind a lot more than you didn't when I was worried about something.  You're the best mom for me!